Today my boyfriend and I started moving my stuff to storage - my garage is so clean and empty, come to think of it, my place is looking a little sparse in areas too. My boyfriend has a 12 year old son. At twelve years old he knows a lot and I'm amazed at his endless patience in dealing with a group of short sighted adults who are soooo uncool.
Do you remember twelve? Do you remember how you knew everything? Do you remember your inability to allow adults to have a conversation without interrupting? Do you remember how you'd die if you didn't get the latest this or that? I remember these things and those memories dance around my head when I hear "soooorrrryyyyyyy" or "oookaaaayyyyyy" or the mumbling as they walk away, because twelve year olds HAVE to have the last word.
Recently we went to the Sequim Animal Park. The twelve year old wanted to go to the petting farm at the end, but we didn't have time. We parked outside the restrooms and went in; since he was going to stay with the car, we left it unlocked, my purse and camera equipment were sitting in the front, the navigational was on the dash. As we're walking out of the restroom, the kid is halfway to the petting zoo. "Where are you going? All of our stuff is unsecure in the car." "Ummm, the restroom." He did an about face and went to the restroom. I'm certain I did something similar frequently (sorry, Mom).
His inability to listen, to follow instructions, and his frequent sarcasm, arguing, and talking back had me a little freaked. I've never lived with a child before and the idea of living with a pre-teen who is in the midst of a hormonal break down some days is frightening. So my boyfriend and I had that talk and then he brought the kid down to help us move (he didn't help) and he was great, and he listened, and we had a great time. He's a fun kid, and so much fun to talk to, and I do not envy the era that he's about to enter, because adolescence sucks!
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
With him comes the family...
Have you ever wondered why a woman doesn't just leave an abusive situation? All she has to do is call a couple of friends over to keep watch while she packs and...
FIND A NEW HOME
find a place to stay with enough room for her, the kids, and the pets; come up with first, last, and damage deposit for this place that takes lots of pets; rent a moving truck and have enough friends available to help you move
by the way, you're doing this under a barrage of abuse, threats, and a lovely pity party
THE KIDS
if the kids are school aged, then either this has drastically limited your choice in homes (which is already limited by the fact that you need so much space, it needs to accept pets, and you're on a budget), because you'll want to keep them in the same school district (at least keep something the same); if staying in the school district isn't a possibility, then you'll have to uproot your kids from their school too and if school's already started, then that's another hardship to deal with
by the way, you're husband is probably threatening suicide now and blaming you
THE PETS
when you have a family, you adopt pets; landlords are wary of pets, because of the damage they can do to a home and yard so they either say NO to pets or they require a spendy, nonrefundable, damage deposit, if you're on a budget, can you afford another deposit; but pets are family members too so you can't leave them behind with the abuser
by the way, your husband has been unpredictable and threatening physical abuse, so are you sure he won't hurt the pets
BUSINESS
what if you have a business, a new business? this life interruption may damage the progress you've made, because you may have to take off a week or two to get everything settled; clients are hard to come by with heavy competition and a down economy, so this needs to be handled with kid gloves
by the way, your husband has access to your client files, website, and other marketing materials and threatens to ruin your reputation
THE FRIENDS /FAMILY
if you're like me, then you have no experience with domestic violence, not even in the peripheral; how do you support someone going through something like this? how do you deal with their wishy-washy demeanor when it comes to dealing with this overwhelming list of things to do? how does the wife ask for help and support while standing tall on her own?
FIND A NEW HOME
find a place to stay with enough room for her, the kids, and the pets; come up with first, last, and damage deposit for this place that takes lots of pets; rent a moving truck and have enough friends available to help you move
by the way, you're doing this under a barrage of abuse, threats, and a lovely pity party
THE KIDS
if the kids are school aged, then either this has drastically limited your choice in homes (which is already limited by the fact that you need so much space, it needs to accept pets, and you're on a budget), because you'll want to keep them in the same school district (at least keep something the same); if staying in the school district isn't a possibility, then you'll have to uproot your kids from their school too and if school's already started, then that's another hardship to deal with
by the way, you're husband is probably threatening suicide now and blaming you
THE PETS
when you have a family, you adopt pets; landlords are wary of pets, because of the damage they can do to a home and yard so they either say NO to pets or they require a spendy, nonrefundable, damage deposit, if you're on a budget, can you afford another deposit; but pets are family members too so you can't leave them behind with the abuser
by the way, your husband has been unpredictable and threatening physical abuse, so are you sure he won't hurt the pets
BUSINESS
what if you have a business, a new business? this life interruption may damage the progress you've made, because you may have to take off a week or two to get everything settled; clients are hard to come by with heavy competition and a down economy, so this needs to be handled with kid gloves
by the way, your husband has access to your client files, website, and other marketing materials and threatens to ruin your reputation
THE FRIENDS /FAMILY
if you're like me, then you have no experience with domestic violence, not even in the peripheral; how do you support someone going through something like this? how do you deal with their wishy-washy demeanor when it comes to dealing with this overwhelming list of things to do? how does the wife ask for help and support while standing tall on her own?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
When people don't support your choice
This is a tough one. We've made the choice to move in together and we're excited. When I'm excited about something, I tell everyone (which I'm learning to dampen down). It's a buzz kill when the response to the great news is negative. It's even more of a buzz kill when that negativity is repeated daily.
My friends have been wonderful and supportive. They're not happy that I've chosen to move to Marysville, but they understand and they're still excited for me and they adore my boyfriend.
My mom was worried about me selling my place at a loss to move in with my boyfriend - I worked hard to become a home owner and she doesn't like me walking away from that. Our home's value will increase faster than that of my condo, so she now understands that it's actually a good move, plus she likes my boyfriend.
My boyfriend's dad thinks it's a bad idea, he doesn't understand why we won't get married. I would be nice if he were on board with everyone else, because now there's this teeny elephant in the room, but he's entitled to his opinion. At least he cares enough for his son to give an opinion.
In the end, it doesn't matter what others think. It's our choice, our life, our home. We're adults and don't need to gain the approval of others. I spent so many years caring what others thought until I learned (I can't remember where I read this) that people's perception of you is based on their own past experiences. The best example I can think of the boyfriend who constantly accuses you of cheating while he's screwing everything that moves (his name was Joe).
How many times have you judged someone? Daily? Me too. And each judgement is based on my experience, not on their reality.
Granted we'll never escape wanting to be accepted and liked, but we have to start with ourselves, others will fall in line in their own good time.
My friends have been wonderful and supportive. They're not happy that I've chosen to move to Marysville, but they understand and they're still excited for me and they adore my boyfriend.
My mom was worried about me selling my place at a loss to move in with my boyfriend - I worked hard to become a home owner and she doesn't like me walking away from that. Our home's value will increase faster than that of my condo, so she now understands that it's actually a good move, plus she likes my boyfriend.
My boyfriend's dad thinks it's a bad idea, he doesn't understand why we won't get married. I would be nice if he were on board with everyone else, because now there's this teeny elephant in the room, but he's entitled to his opinion. At least he cares enough for his son to give an opinion.
In the end, it doesn't matter what others think. It's our choice, our life, our home. We're adults and don't need to gain the approval of others. I spent so many years caring what others thought until I learned (I can't remember where I read this) that people's perception of you is based on their own past experiences. The best example I can think of the boyfriend who constantly accuses you of cheating while he's screwing everything that moves (his name was Joe).
How many times have you judged someone? Daily? Me too. And each judgement is based on my experience, not on their reality.
Granted we'll never escape wanting to be accepted and liked, but we have to start with ourselves, others will fall in line in their own good time.
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